I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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