You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
