I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
