Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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