it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
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Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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