I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
