shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
