if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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