He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
