you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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