I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
