I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
