i permit you to call me
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
