I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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