So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
