the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
