I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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