I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
