if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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