that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
