seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
