hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
