I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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