It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
