I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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