The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
