What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
