i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
