I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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