Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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