Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
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i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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