You just made me feel so damn special
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
