I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Is it because I queefed?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
its liver damage thursday
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