So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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