ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
