You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
