My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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