My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
