yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
