In the future we'll all be gay
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
