we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
