I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
