The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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