watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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