Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
