dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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