I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
