peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
