You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
