By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Small penises have feelings too.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Randomize
