im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
