I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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