That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
