Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
