You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
