You're earring is so big in my mouth
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
